Seems as though FedEx got there hands on a Blendtec Blender and decided to do their own “Will It Blend?” test on my order from Adafruit Industries.

Fortunately, Adafruit is sending out a replacement overnight (at no cost to me), which is really above and beyond considering that this was a FedEx FAIL and I was a bit of an ass to Adafruit about the issue initially blaming them rather than FedEx.